![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
It feels like Gotham City in my head. That’s the only way to describe it. I feel dejected, torn down, and broken. I’ve surrendered to the fact that I’m not smart, and it’s killing me on the inside. I bombed my java final, and hard. I got a 38 percent. I don’t know how to learn correctly. I don’t even know how I got such a low mark. My mark currently sides at a 58% overall. I’m going to see my teacher on Thursday at 10:30. I’m almost sure she’ll give me the marks – because it’s only 2% more, and if I don’t pass then I’m kicked out of the program.
I feel so broken and incredibly hopeless. All the time, I surround myself with smart people – and I know exactly why, although I hate to admit it. Again, I’m not smart. I have huge potential and I love to learn, but I’m terrible at it. I want to be like them, like you, like all the smart people I look up to so much. But I really just need to learn how to learn.
I broke down pretty hard at Yazz this evening, while he was at work. My mother doesn’t know I’m not currently passing. I’m scared and I feel broken and hopeless. I’ve spent the last 2 – 3 years planning the next 10 – 15 years of my life around computer science, and it just feels like I’m no good at it. I can’t logic. Maybe I should just change into interior design.
It doesn’t help that I’m such a defeatist.
I know the exact moment when I started to hate my mother.
That's a little worrisome. I have been angry ever since. I'd like to think I'm a relatively good person who is continuing to fix herself to I can be the person I want to be.
Her name is Sapphire. Yeah, like the jewel. Do you know how she deals with anger?
She is cool. She is calculating. She is the scariest person on earth (in my mind) for that.
Do you know how I deal with anger? Nothing like that.
I keep my frustrations pent up. I cry from being frustrated. It's usually the only reason I do cry any more. Yay for coming a long way, but that's another story. I punch the walls, go over scenarios in my head repeatedly.
No one knows this, but a few weeks ago I made a pact to myself. I intend on fulfilling that pact.
Because if I can do those small little things, they will add up. And eventually, I will be the most amazing person anyone will have ever known. I won't need someone else, though their company will be welcome. I won't need to depend on parents or friends or a significant other.
I deal with Anger the same way that Leigha does, and that is the worst possible way I could have gone.
- Mood:
contemplative
So, my life has been my life lately. It's been progressing. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm a slow person, and it's okay if I take it slow - throughout the semester - as long as during the last month or so I kick it into over drive.
This year I'll be coming up on 4 years with Yazz. Aikou is also turning 7 this year, I believe. Pretty soon, too. It's easier to write about than it is to speak about. Nothing's wrong with her, usually nothing is. Damn. 4 years with him and the most woderful puppy in the world. I really couldn't have asked for anything better in my life to happen during this time.
Oh, have I said? I don't consider myself to be a Christian any more. Surprise, surprise! Who would have thought? Seriously, if you go back into my facebook a few years ('round January '08), it was chock-full of "Thank God!" stuff. Luckily, I'd like to think that I've never been an ignorant bigot towards my fellow peers of different sexual orientations. Seriously, how could I? Growing up one of my dad + uncle's best friends' was gay.
As you can see, there really isn't much content to write about. Life has been happening, and I'm glad about it.
- Mood:
okay
I love you!
Okay, so now that that's out of the way, quick post as I only have about 2 more minutes left before I gotta jet out the door.
Life has been happening. Slowly, but surely. Also, I've been doing work. I don't know when that happened, but I'm kind of serious about school right now. at least, as serious as someone who lacks motivation a lot of the time for something like this can be. It's nice though, I don't mind it.
My nature retreat was last weekend, and it only fueled my desire to go out and live in nature for a while. A month would be nice - but as a student and someone with a lack of financial responsibilties, who has that money? Certainly not me.
I had to system-factory-restore my comptuer the other day. Lost a few things on it - not too sad. I haven't been very lucky with technology lately as it's just been me losing a bunch of my shit for the last, oh, I don't know, 2 months or so. 2 hard drives failed, another is slowly trying to kick the bucket but it's reslilliance is astounding (from my big pc in the living room, yeah, that thing' is dying). My dad said he wanted to get 2 more HD's or just one big better one, not sure what's happning with that. My memory fucked up on my asus laptop but the people at asus were oh my god helpful, did not expect that to happen. Lost data, but what's that mean when you have a functioning laptop and you didn't have anything too important on it to begin with? (Except pictures, but the other day Yazz told me that I will have those memories with me for as long as I want and I'll be able to access them whenever I want, so it doesn't bother me as much anymore)
Uhh... yeah I'm sure there's more but I gotta jet.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not lonely with Yazz. I'm not lonely when I'm with friends or in class learning. But just being alone in my house is complete balls.
*sigh sigh*
I love you with all of my heart
From the tip of my toes to the top of my head
Love,
Jennifer
The reason now? Same reason, only minus my mother. It's all on me. I'm 22 and I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Throw me a bone here, right?
- Mood:
morose
http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comme
Second post, last paragraph. You know you can't do it without the practice, and practising isn't hard. So go ahead and be awesome, like Yazz (and yourself!) know you can do.
- Mood:
restless
Every time you pass through the door, do 2 chin-ups. This will increase with time. It's okay if you need to jump to do these chin-ups.
Sedentary exercises. for 3 - 5 minutes after every meal. Yes, after every meal. You eat a snack? 3 minutes. You eat a meal? 5 minutes.
Crunches - at least 50 a day. These are going to be a bitch at first because of your chub chub. It's alright, you're a sessy lady according to yazz anyway.
But what about my arms and legs?
Well, you have that exercise ball. What ever happened to that exercise? Do it in your room whenever you want to. After meals, randomly throughout the day. Doesn't matter when. Work on your core / abs too - work with the ball, I guess (haha). Or you can do the silly row-thing.
What about my muscle in my back?
Fix your posture. It's the only thing that doesn't hurt right now. Sitting down with any sort of slouch hurts, I'm not sure why. If it still hurts by new years, get a massage or go get it checked out. It's also because of your bed. So, I guess, sleep on the floor for a few days. See if that helps. I know it'll be cold, but just wrap yourself in loads of blankets.
Oh, and yes, start eating at a deficit. It'll help and you know it.
I will love you forever, and I am the most selfish person you know, in terms that I will never let you go from my heart completely.
You've made the world brighter for me, every single day since the day we met. You have shown me time and time again how beautiful the world is, even with how cynical you can be at times. You make me smile like I'm a little girl, literally. My heart strings pull on every happy emotion I have when I see you for the first time each day, whether that's in the morning after I've woken up beside you, in the afternoon when I come to see you to take dog out, or in the evening when we just go for a walk, or if we skype for a little bit.
My love has never been truer for anyone other than you, and I pray that I can only love you as much as you love me. You are the complete embodiment of what I desire to be.
I am deathly afraid that you will leave me one day. That fear will never go away. It will subside, and I will move it to the back of my head, where it belongs for eternity. I am deathly afraid of hurting you in any way, shape or form.
NO MORE WORDS, TOO MUCH WATER FALLS
Syndicate
